DNF- I feel like those letters are branded on my forehead much like the letter "A" on Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorn's "Scarlet Letter." This race has been looming over my head for two years. There is only one other race in my life that I have not finished in my life and that other one was my Freshman year of high school in the finals of 300 M hurdles in the regionals to qualify for states. I was in the second to last heat, and I was running well that day. I was winning my heat in a landslide, ensuring a qualifying spot for States, when i tripped over the absolute last hurdle of the race! UGH!!! Yes I would have qualified for states in that event as a freshman. The person that past me when I was on the ground qualified as the 5th seed for States. The disappointment i felt was huge, but it was okay because i was going to states anyway in other events. But that disappointment is nothing compared to my attempt at the Ironman race last year. I have thought about that day every day since last year. Not one day has gone by where I didn't get up and think about that race, the two crashes, the disappointment, the pain....I have lived it every day and ultimately my family has too. The only way for me to overcome it was to comeback and conquer the defeat. Every training session while training for this new event, this new day, has had reflections of the outcome of last year. It's hard for me to reflect on the actual race because there is so much of it that I can't recall. If i could just banish the thoughts of last year, but I can't. It's branded in scarlet letters on my forehead that only I can see.
Arriving here in Coeur d'Alene has been nothing short of surreal, dream like...almost nightmarish because the dream started so pleasant. This year...I know it's going to be a pleasant but emotional ending. i have pent up stress, pent up energy, pent up anger, just so many emotions that i have held in. Several people have asked, "what's your goal time?" My goal time...16:59:59. An athlete has 17 hrs to complete the event and really that is what it is all about for me. I have heard it all... "come on Cathy, that's not a goal, you are so capable of going under 13 hrs.... What is your far reach." I have also heard, "are you going after a Kona slot?" And the answer is, no, NO, NO! I will be ecstatic if i go under the clock at 16:59: 59. For me, it will be nothing short of miraculous. I know what my avg times are for Half Ironman distances, I know what I have been recently racing and I know "statistically" with all the crazy calculations --- just double your time and add and hour, add 10% for each hour of your half and multiply by two.... yada, yada, yada... I've heard it all and for this race I am ignoring it all. My goal is to finish.... Not to finish as fast as I can, not to get a Kona slot... TO FINISH!!! And, I will finish with a smile on my face and body, mind and soul in tact. My race will be a comfortable race... I am not taking any risks... a long training day with a party at the end!
You will see me swimming on the far right of the course on the outside of all the athletes taking wide turns at the buoy's. I am a fairly strong swimmer and so I don't have to worry about meeting a cut-off time. I will swim comfortable in my zone to reflect on the day. Calmly breathing and stroking, it will be my Zen time. I will be calm, relaxed and away from the melee. I will be away from kicking, slapping, sinking bodies swimming over one an other... I will be swimming a different place, peaceful, serene. it's actually what i did last year. although, I do remember migrating inwards last year and getting involved in a traffic jam at one of the turn buoy's. I will stay wide and avoid that this year. I suspect it will take me 1.5 hrs for the swim. Last year I finished in 1:20. the water is cold - mid 50's, so i may speed up to stay warm or to just get out of there.
The bike, will be ridden in my own training zone. I will be controlled and relaxed, my breathing will be in control. There are some serious climbs on this new bike course. And some screaming descents. I heard an athlete claim that he was going 70 mph on one of the big descents. Well the fastest I have ever gone down a descent in Maine is 47mph. And, I rode down the steepest descent on Wednesday on the course (yes, i did have to pedal up it first) and when I did peek, I was braking at 38 mph. I was feathering the brakes 3/4ths the way down.... it's a full mile and quarter down. There were crosswinds, I was blowing everywhere....my goal is not fast, my goal is to be in control, as much as possible every second of the race. And you know, last year i was too, but I took a sharp turn too fast last year and that was crash number 1. That turn has now been eliminated from the course (and I wasn't the only one to crash there either). My other crash --- the bad one, I really have no idea what happened. It was at a bottle exchange... 1 minute I was flinging a bottle into the drop box and the next I was over the handle bars lying on the ground in a puddle of blood. And, you know for those that didn't hear or read the story: after they made me stay there for an hour before progressing with my cracked helmet and broken bike with only two gears that worked for the rest of the 50 miles, I finished the bike leg, in time to proceed to the run. Although, my timing chip was removed in transition with the option of taking a DQ for a violation of riding with a cracked helmet, or the option of taking a DNF. After I made my choice, they also highly urged me to go to the medical tent....That's being, polite, they practically made me go...and inside there, they sent me to the hospital....but there won't be any of that this year. This year, it will be a smooth ride, comfortable, in control. There won't be chasing anyone one. There won't be staring at age group calves... It is my race against myself and the ironman distance. It's me against my ghost of last year. That's the only think I am chasing. I suspect it will take me 7.5 hrs to do the bike. (I know some of you are thinking that I just did 60 miles a few weeks ago in just under 3 hrs --- I am riding this race differently, this is a different course, the hills are bigger and more of them... it doesn't compare!!).
The run will be steady and in control as well. Obviously I didn't run the course last year. I will be patient with my pace this year, be in control and take in the moment. My goal is to keep moving forward. My running since April has not been stellar. I have been plagued with aches, pains and fatigue off and on. I will run fast enough to get to the finish in my goal time of 16:59:59. Age calves will not interest me, if I pass anyone I will give praise and words of encouragement, and will cheer those that pass me. I will look for the fireman in full turnout gear running the 26.2. I would say that I will keep an eye out for Crowie but he will be finished before i even start my run... i fully suspect this will be a 5 hr marathon. yes, i know I am capable of being faster...fast is not my goal. So at the half, if it's been over 2 hrs... don't say "she did a 10 miler in 1:25 where is she....??" I am fine...
Yes, I am nervous beyond belief, but writing this has helped me calm a little. I am anxious and excited. Tomorrow at this time, I just might be out on the bike...Race start is 7AM local time 10 AM for you folks on the Eastern seaboard. My number is 603, in the 40-44 age group. Tomorrow's weather is predicted to be high of 77 with 30% chance of rain and scattered thunderstorms. I have received so many text messages, FB messages, and emails of support from so many family members and friends. I thank you all for your love, thoughts, words of encouragement and prayers. If I appear to be slow tomorrow, don't worry!! Be happy, I am still moving forward and I am comfortable. So don't be staring at the clock saying "she should be at this check point by now, what happened??" Know that I am okay, I am in control, it's going to take time to erase those scarlet letters on my forehead... and when the branding is gone.... that's when you better lookout!!! See you at the finish!!!
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